Disclaimer: On Tuesday, December 27th, 2011, overweight guy and part-time blogger Daniel Mitchell decided to go on a ‘water fast’ – that is, to eat nothing and to drink only water – for one full day, in an attempt to grow closer to God. This is his true story. Times portrayed are rounded to the nearest hour because I said so. . . I’m not doing a blog post about watches. If you want to read a blog post about watches, go find one. I’m not going to stop you from reading a stupid blog post about stupid watches on someone else’s stupid blog, so stop waiting for me to talk you into sticking around!
Disclaimer : Hunger makes me grumpy.
10:00 AM –
Okay. A water fast. I can do this. Once, when I was in eighth grade, I fasted for seven days, just to prove that I could. I’m not going to even attempt seven days again – I was an idiot in eighth grade, there is empirical proof of this. But I’m sure I can manage one day. I’ll check in periodically (and honestly) throughout the day, and I’ll post this the day after the fast.
I can do this. Gandhi used to fast all the time. He wouldn’t be a pansy about no 24-hour fast, would he? No. No he would not. Because Gandhi is a motha-effin’ man.
Anyway, no food until tomorrow, since I’ve already eaten breakfast today.
11:00 AM -
My coworker friend is going to get taco dip at the café at work. Today is Taco Dip Day. Get thee behind me, Satan!
12:00 PM -
Dude. Most days I don’t even eat lunch until after noon. Why am I so hungry? Good thing I have all the water I can drink. I’m gonna have to really bulk up on that. . . water.
2:00 PM -
You guys – I am a total food addict!
Seriously, I’m not even all that hungry any more, I’m just obsessed with food. Everyone around me is talking about what they had for lunch, and I’m thinking about this cup of instant noodles in my desk. You know how, in old cartoons, you could tell that someone was hungry because they looked at the person next to them and saw them looking like a turkey, or a hamburger, or something? Well, I opened my desk and looked at my cup of instant noodles, and it turned into a cup of instant noodles! I’ve got problems.
3:00 PM -
Who brought the popcorn into work? Who brought the popcorn? I will bring wrath onto this person, the likes of which they cannot conceive! I’m sorry nobody got the memo, but I am friggin’ fasting over here!
On another note, I’m having a lovely discussion with my coworker friend Ro about God and church and stuff. And why are having this conversation? Because I mentioned that I was fasting. Nicely!
4:00 PM -
Okay, now I’m barely hungry. Woohoo! I can make it! I am the greatest! I am the greatest!
It just occurred to me that I feel triumphant because I haven’t eaten in eight hours. Isn’t that nuts? There are places in this world where people are starving to death, and I’m excited that I can “survive” not eating for a whole work day.
Man. I have work to do.
6:00 PM -
Before I’d decided to fast today, I told Brandi that I would take her to the grocery store to get some half-priced Christmas candy. Since I was feeling so awesome at 4 o’clock, I assured her that I would, indeed, take her shopping for Christmas candy. After some deliberation, we decided to go to the Walgreen’s just down the street from the Miller Trunk Mall in Duluth.
Do you know how many restaurants are by that Walgreen’s? Quite a few.
Do you know how far the smell of cooking Culver’s burgers can travel on a cool, crisp winter evening? Easily a quarter of a mile.
Do you know that, under optimal conditions, the human nose can smell Christmas candy from up to fifteen feet away, even when it’s still in the box? Oh, it can. I assure you, it can.
7:00 PM -
Every time I think about food, it makes me think about God. Dude. I think I get it.
Holy crap. There’s something to this.
Author’s Note – Change this to 10:00 PM. The truth is too sad.
This post has gotten less funny as I go along, and for that I can only apologize. But seriously, guys, it’s hard to be funny when you’re sitting at your computer and YouTube’ing worship songs while sniffling into your Kleenex.
Man, this day. I managed not to bite the heads off of anyone today, which is good, because I might have eaten them. I’ll check in first thing in the morning, before breaking my fast –
Holy crap! Break my fast? Break-fast? Breakfast!!! Why am I just getting that now?
Oh man, I’m going to bed.
This is it. Twenty-four hours have passed since my last meal. I keep waiting for the hunger to get overwhelming, but it never has.
I brought in a pear this morning, to go with my oatmeal. It’s sitting on my desk now, on top of a bar of Ghirardelli peppermint bark that I bought for half-off at Walgreen’s. You’d think that the urge to eat either of those things, which are sitting in front of me in plain view, would be hard to resist. The fact is, I’m not sure I’ve gone through anything yet. I know it’s cliché to say this, but there are millions of people in this world that routinely go more than a day without eating as a matter of course. Who am I to complain about one hungry day? So yeah, I’ve got food on my desk to the right of me, but I’ve also got my jug of water just to the left of me. . . and you know what, I’m tempted to go another day.
So, faithful readers, I end my post. I haven’t yet broken my fast, but I’m not stressing it. Maybe I’ll do another twenty-four hours. If God wants me to keep fasting, God will see me through.
Well. . . God, and my glass of water.